Dirty Details of Cancer

So much more than fighting cancer

breast cancer, always fight, cancer mommy,
Survivor Tree

A reality that I have learned to face, but it’s still hard to say it out loud, ” I will never be in remission.” I am living with dying. I am very conscious about my health, and plan to make it see my boys grow up. But it’s not easy in any way.

My family is falling into a new normal with my diagnosis, but we have to take a lot into consideration for the future. We can’t plan too far ahead, but it seems that others have plans to help if and when anything happens to me. Although, it’s upsetting to hear things like this while I am still here, it’s nice to know they will have the support. But also, it’s frustrating to my husband that his family is basically waiting for me to be out of the picture, before they will step in a be and family to us.

Ultimately, I am here now and we need help now. My boys shouldn’t have to wait for my decline in order to feel love and support from friends and family. I am living with cancer, and I will always be fighting. So it will be way too late if they wait, and I’m sure the boys won’t know them by then either. I just don’t understand that logic.

So we are basically on our own. We are fortunate to have my close friends who are doing their best to support me any way they can. I am going to M.D. Anderson in two weeks, and I am trying to raise funds to get there. It’s so stressful not being able to plan for anything until I know how my budget will pan out. But I need to go. Planning the trip, booking a room and a car, plus getting a sitter for the boys at our house for the weekend. I have to make several meals ahead and stock the kitchen, with our allergies. Then the actual trip, treatment, and doctors appointments. It takes a week for me to bounce back after everything.

But, it’s more than fighting cancer: it’s fighting for the finances to fund my medical bills, fighting to keep a roof over our heads, fighting with the state for Medicare, fighting with the government for disability, fighting to give my boys a normal family, and fighting my own life battles.

breast cancer, pink soldier, end cancer, always fightA big life battle for me right now, is losing a dear friend to breast cancer a few days ago. My heart is heavy for the loss of my friend Latina. I have known her since I was 14 years old, and has always been a big sister to me. She taught me how to handle this disease with grace and strength, all while going through her own battle. I miss her tremendously. Losing her has shaken me and my anxiety has been through the roof.  I would like to share a poem from her book of poetry called ‘Listen 2 Cancer’ by Latina Gonzales.

 

 

Letter “C”

Season’s change
And so do we
I’m not
Who I used to be
You thought you had
The best of me
when I heard, the letter c
Thought I’d crumble
Or just cave in
Thought I’d toss and turn
Like an object in the wind
But I stood up, and fought
For my life
Like Muhammed Ali
Float like a butterfly
Sting like a bee
My life I’m still living
Can’t take away from me

 

I will keep fighting, even if it’s a losing battle in some people’s eyes. Just trying to live my best life with this situation. I want to win the battle for my family, and for all that have lost their battle. I have to stay strong.

 

 

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