Dirty Details of Cancer

I’m the one with cancer, not my family.

More Dirty Details of Cancer

I’m treated differently, bottom line.  Sometimes, it’s like I’m already gone. But I’ve gotten used to it, with the way everyone looks at me. I know I may not always feel well, but it’s always nice to feel included. When people are unaware of my health, I can be looked at like a human being, not like a ghost. It’s the most lonely feeling hearing that people are planning things for after I’m gone. A feeling that no one wants to understand or face. But it’s there. So I am always planning for the future. Little back yard BBQ’s and parties to keep my spirits up. I am always so full of anxiety lately, I have so much on my plate that anything extra is like a mountain.

Something that is so hard to deal with is watching my family get treated like they are sick too. My husband doesn’t have friends that ask him to hang out, because he won’t go. He feels so guilty leaving me, even before I was sick he didn’t want to spend a second away from his family. But sometimes you need someone to go blow off steam, and get away from this for a while. I would if I could, but I haven’t found the off switch for cancer yet. I can’t turn it off, it’s with me no matter what. But he can turn it off, and chooses not to. Because he doesn’t think it’s fair that he can detach but I can’t. I love him more than I could ever show him. This is so unfair to our family, there’s no one to yell at. There is no to blame.

#cancerfamily, #alwaysfight, #endcancer

My son is on his fourth year of dealing with the same bully. He was two weeks into his kindergarten year when I was diagnosed. This bully decided to make fun of my son because his mother was sick. Most of the kids are afraid of this bully, so he was able to completely remove my son from his group of friends. He begged the teacher to stay inside at recess for weeks. This bully actually pulled his own pants down in the hallway at school and told my son to “eat this” as he pointed to himself. My son ran up to the teacher and told her what happened and the bully was sent to the principle. The principle called me and told me if it were her kindergartener, she would want to hear from the principle. We were shocked and realized this kid has some serious issues.

My stomach flipped when my son got home. He was so quiet and different. My son finally said “Mom, it was disgusting. I just want to go to my room.” He was only 5.  This being right after I came to him with my diagnosis. As well as seeing our aunts lose their battle to cancer just 2 weeks prior to my diagnosis. It’s definitely been rough for my son to hear the “C” word. My son isn’t asked to go anywhere with friends, or get invited to parties, all because this bully has told all the kids that my son is saying mean things about them. My son just found this out, so he asked each one of his friends if he had done anything, and they all said no. So he is very sad because he has no close friends. And I know it’s all because of my diagnosis. I wish parents were a little more understanding and would teach their children some compassion.

My son is more than uncomfortable with this bully because it’s been an ongoing issue for so long. With everything that happened, they actually put them in the same class in first grade! This was a nightmare and of course the principle refused to help. They haven’t helped much obviously or we wouldn’t be on our fourth year of dealing with this bully. So his first grade year was terrible as his mom was in and out of 10 surgeries, and having to face “this disgusting bully” are his words. The kid actually said “I would  kick your butt, but I feel sorry for you because your mom is sick.” This makes him feel like he is being bullied because of me. These attacks are my fault! Bully’s find buttons to push and my sons button was me.  I wrote a letter to the superintendent for his second grade year and he had the best year, even though he was bullied on the play ground. This kid called my son’s friend a name and my son punched the bully in the stomach, then cried and shook for hours after. He finally stood up for himself, but you can understand why it’s so uncomfortable for my son to be around this kid. And this year we also wrote a letter to keep them apart, but his bully ended up in his math class. So I had to go to the superintendent again the beginning of this year. Meanwhile, this bully has made sure my sons friends won’t hang out with him.

But it gets better! We just found out, they put him back  in class with him??? YUP! I told my son to try to handle it. He tried for a while and he decided to go tell the teacher that they aren’t supposed to be in class together. So the teacher has separated my son entirely. My son cannot focus with his bully in the same room with him. So I am full of anxiety in making an appointment with the superintendent about this again. Why can’t they just have some compassion? Since chemo caused a hole in my heart, it flutters like crazy and it’s hard to breathe when I am anxious. It’s hard to cry when you can’t breathe.

The only person who doesn’t look at me like I’m dying is my four-year old. He knows I don’t feel well, but he doesn’t think I’m a ghost. It’s breaking my heart already to think of what’s in store for him. As he gets older and is dealing with issues pertaining to school and my diagnosis, will it be harder? I don’t know how much more I can take of bully’s. Preston was just recently bullied also, then the other bully comes back.

This is just another dirty detail of cancer that no one wants to acknowledge. Sweep it under the rug instead of just fixing the problem. Why does no one fix so we can move on? Instead it’s been 4 years of battling cancer while my son battles his bully. I’m out of things to say about it to these people. They would rather separate my child than deal with the bully! it feels like my entire house is fighting my cancer battle.

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2 thoughts on “I’m the one with cancer, not my family.

  1. Amanda, I know we don’t know each other very well but I’m so sorry all this is going on. Speaking as someone from the outside looking in, it’s hard to always know what to say to someone who’s battling cancer. I always wonder if it’s OK to talk about, maybe it’s a bad time especially from an emotional perspective. My brother passed away at the age of 19 from lung cancer in August 2012. All I can say is i abhor cancer!!!! But we shouldn’t make being friendly so difficult and we definitely shouldn’t treat you like a ghost. I admire how you’re so involved with your boys. I’m sure you have your low moments but your attitude is usually upbeat and positive and that’s amazing! Keep blogging and keep fighting girl! I’ll be praying. And we should get the boys together again soon!

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